A guest post by Ashley Thompson
…what are mere mortals that you should think about them, human beings that you should care for them?
– Psalm 8:4 NLT
God showed me a vision of Heaven and how He created me…
I wasn’t planned.
I was an “oops” baby. Even more so, I was born a girl when everyone expected me to be a boy. To make matters worse, my mother had really wanted a boy. She had suffered a previous miscarriage of her firstborn son, and she already had two daughters. My parents were thrilled when they found out they were having another “son.” They even had my boy’s name picked out.
I first heard the news that I wasn’t planned by my mother. I was in High School, and we were driving to pick up my dad from work. It was sunny outside, and shafts of light reflected off buildings and bounced inside the moving car. My mom was in the driver’s seat, and I was quietly admiring the railroad tracks, secretly wishing I could be on a luxury train that toured the country. The lush green mountains behind us looked like a misty jade carpet. Flowers speckled the field between the two like colorful paint.
I don’t remember how the conversation started, but in that car, my mother confessed to me that I wasn’t a planned pregnancy.
“You were a ‘whoops I’m pregnant’ baby,” she half-laughed nervously.
I didn’t believe her, so I pressed, “That’s not true, is it?!”
“Yes, it’s true.” She answered. She said something to the effect of, “Your sister was still very little, and I didn’t want to have another baby so soon. But we love you, Ashley. I mean, what are you going to do when you get pregnant?”
I laughed it off with a wave of my hand, “I know that’s not true. And if it is, who cares?”
I knew my parents wanted me. Nothing in my childhood ever said anything otherwise. They loved me well, and I was very happy to be a part of my family.
Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword, but wisely spoken words can heal.
– Proverbs 12:18 GNT
Despite brushing off what I thought were frivolous words, her confession entered my subconscious. It grew, undetected, like a weed in the garden of my mind…giving life to other insecurities within me. After that, I began to recall other comments that I had previously heard about my birth.
I remembered one time my dad voiced words that shed more light on the disillusionment that surrounded my birth. We were sitting at the kitchen table across from each other, and it was
supposed to be a joking jab at my mother…but it certainly didn’t feel that way. Those words were like palpable ice, chilling a place in my heart.
“You know your mother was disappointed after you were born?” he told me, his eyes sparkling with jest.
“Oh, Ricky!” Mom barked from the kitchen.
“No,” I responded, unbelieving, “why would she be?” My eyes shifted over his face, secretly imploring him to tell me that it was all made up.
“Because she wanted a son, and the doctor told her up until you were born that you were supposed to be male. Isn’t that right, Tee?”
My mom denied it.
“When I came into the hospital room where she was, you weren’t there with her,” my dad told me, “After I held you, I went to her. She was visibly upset, and so I told her, ‘Tee, be happy. I know you wanted a boy, but we have a healthy baby girl.’”
“Mom?” I prodded, unsure if I believed my father.
My mom confessed that she was surprised that I came out female (I could tell she didn’t like where the conversation was going, and so I refrained from asking her any more questions). I had long known that she had originally wanted two boys and one girl. Instead, she got three girls first and then, years later, a boy. I also heard comments from my older sisters that my grandpa (on my dad’s side) didn’t fully accept my mother until she produced a son. He’s missing in all their wedding photos.
When I entered my teenage years, I began to eat without proper restraint. I stuffed my belly trying to fill secret hurting places in my soul. Consequently, I pushed the scale to 196 pounds when I was only fourteen. I felt bashful about my growing femininity and hid my maturing features under frumpy male clothes. I didn’t think I was beautiful as a girl and so when any boy would show me interest, I would ignore him. I found it easier to play with my younger brother, than to engage in pubescent talk with my sisters.
After years of obvious pursuit, God won me over. I had been ignoring his pursuit because
I was ashamed of who I was.
One morning, I woke up, moseyed to the household computer, and began perusing YouTube. In the side panel was a video by a woman named Joyce Meyer. The title of the video was “Your Self-Image and Your Future.” Something about the video sparked my interest, and I clicked on it. As Joyce talked, the power of the Holy Spirit became tangible in the room. Joyce quoted many scriptures about God’s love and how He created everyone special on purpose. What brought me to my knees in his presence in true repentance for the first time was when she said that He thought better of me than I did myself. The thought of God placing that much value on my life astounded me. I cried, and I threw my hands up in true surrender. “God, I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you. Please forgive me! Jesus, please come into my heart and be my Lord and
Savior!”
I finally threw my life on his shoulders that morning. Abandoning myself entirely to him.
What happened next was supernatural. I saw what looked like translucent rain falling through the ceiling into the room. Then I felt a cloud of peace expanding in my chest. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was filled with the Holy Spirit that very second. From that day on, the Holy Spirit began to speak within me and lead me into an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. I had new desires (proof that I was born again) and unspeakable joy. After that, I read the entire Bible and had several angelic encounters and visions. I experienced inner healing and was even delivered from a spirit of anger without any deliberate effort on my part. The Lord began to encourage me to buy brightly colored skirts. Before, I had hated the idea of wearing skirts because somewhere deep inside, I hated myself and didn’t think I deserved to be arrayed in
anything lovely.
Soon, my entire wardrobe changed. My mannerisms were transformed, and eventually my brother started calling me a “girly girl.” God filled me with such self-love that I began to exercise and eat healthily. Within a year, I had reached a healthy weight. My grades in school rose, and for the first time, I made the honor roll. I then became less self-centered and began helping others intentionally. I dove into ministries of all kinds and started my own homeless ministry. I began attending church regularly, and soon my entire family was going with me.
Despite all these positive changes, God still wanted to heal the hidden place in my mind where I doubted my self-worth due to hearing that I was “supposed to be a boy.” At this point, I didn’t think it mattered. I felt like I was cruising through life, but God knew that this place inside of me was still unhealed.
My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret [and] intricately and curiously wrought [as if embroidered with various colors] in the depths of the earth [a region of darkness and mystery]. – Psalm 139:15 AMPC
One morning, I was sitting in a friend’s house reading a book by Dr. Charles H Kraft called Deep Wounds Deep Healing. As my eyes scanned over a few lines, a picture began to play before me. It was so real; it was as if I were watching a movie! I saw Heaven. Gorgeous clouds, the color of burning diaphanous gold and peach, were in the background. In the forefront of the vision was God, and in his hand was a ball of gossamer, rainbow-colored yarn. He began to knit something together. His eyes twinkled with pleasure as He worked. After he was done, He leaned over Heaven, and I saw the earth, glowing with its diffuse aurora. God was so BIG compared to the world. He scanned the earth until He found my mother, and with beaming joy, He shot his hands forth and put the yarn within her.
Instantly, I had a microscopic view of her womb. I saw God tenderly wrap the yarn in her amniotic fluid. He caressed the growing baby within her with tender gentleness. I was now in her womb, and I could hear his voice speaking over me. I remember hearing things like, “I love you forever.” “I made you on purpose.” “You are special to me.” “I value you.” “You are precious in my eyes.” His words coated me as I grew. As I came out, I saw God’s hands opened wide to receive me.
He took hold of me, and I was shot back up to Heaven. I saw three Beings who looked alike. I instinctively knew that one was God the Father, one was Christ the Son, and the other was the Holy Spirit. They all wore amazing smiles. The one in the middle held me while the other two clapped their hands, danced with glee, and rejoiced over me. The one who held me began to bounce me up and down, as a father would. I could hardly believe the celebration they were having. I was rocked and cradled. After a few seconds more, the vision ended.
In those moments, God had covered and washed away the painful memory that was engraved in my self-consciousness. It no longer mattered that my mother might not have wanted to coddle me close after my birth. Because I saw God’s hands waiting for me the second I was born. He wanted me. He had made me a woman on purpose. I knew He wasn’t responsible for any pain I had ever experienced in life…, despite His being without fault, He wanted to heal the faults of others that had torn me, including my own.
In that vision, I saw God sew me together…intricately, and beautifully. That’s what He wants to do with every fraying edge of your life. That’s what He wants to do with every torn or shredded place within your soul. He wants you to realize that you are a masterful tapestry. You are specially made. Your life is unique and designed by the most loving hands. You were fashioned on purpose. He is pursuing you for your good because of his deep love for you.
Dear one, no matter what wounds you carry inside, God is your everlasting cure. He will never withhold good from you. He delights in your wholeness and well-being. He is never the source of your pain, but He is your ever-present promise of healing. I share this story in hopes that God will minister to the hearts of people who doubt the preciousness of their creation. You were not born the wrong gender or color. You are incredibly wonderful to him. You have measureless worth.
One Last Note: It was very hard for me to write this. I confess, I never wanted to share this story because I don’t want anyone to think ill of my parents or my family. They have truly never done anything to make me feel unloved or unwanted. Their actions were always those of love and acceptance. In fact, they set me up for my Christian heritage. When we were all babies, my dad held all of us up in his arms and dedicated us to God. Before we were born, my mother prayed, as a young woman, that all her children would know God and love Him. God answered my parents’ prayers. My siblings and I have all had an encounter with God, and we all love Him now. If it weren’t for my parents, I fear where my siblings and I would be. They taught us that Jesus was real, and they spent their lives giving us the best life! I am so grateful for their prayers and the way they continue to pray today. My grandpa, who at first rejected my mother, saved us from financial ruin for over a year when my parents were struggling. He paid our rent, and he has done many things like this. I don’t come from a perfect family, but I come from a family that loves God, and that is the greatest gift. I only pray these words will save unborn lives by testifying about God’s superabounding grace.
~ For a book on receiving the love of Father God, see my devotional, Visions of Celestial Love. It
is available on Kindle Unlimited and in paperback. I also include visual poetry from my book on
my YouTube channel.
About Ashley
Ashley is a life coach, teacher, and bestselling author. She believes in God’s ability to write beautiful love stories. She married her first boyfriend, Stephen, on a majestic mountain in Colorado beside a quaint church. They met at a heavenly three-story chalet with a sunroof, indoor pool, and stone fireplace. They currently live in a picturesque Mediterranean beach town on a forested mountain with an ocean view. They have two beautiful girls who bring them more joy than they could have imagined.
Ashley’s passion is for people to enter a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and be made whole by his love. She enjoys coffee, Autumn leaves, scenic walks, candles, worship dancing, and the vivid Pacific coast. Her greatest treasure is her relationship with Jesus and her family.
She is the author of Visions of Celestial Love, Romantic Rendezvous for the Soul, Fallen Coins and His Liberating Flame. She has coauthored two bestsellers, His Beauty for My Ashes and The Runaway Bride of Christ Overcoming Church Hurt.
