By Joni M. Fisher
We’ve all been in a situation where someone pressures us to make a big decision, do something we don’t want to do, or agree with them when they make a statement we don’t agree with. You can identify manipulators by how far they are willing to apply that pressure. If you don’t feel free to disagree, you are dealing with a manipulator.
We need to identify and understand their tactics before we can effectively handle our responses to shut down this behavior.
EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES
Not all manipulators are narcissists, but all narcissists are manipulative. Chances are your manipulator is a narcissist. Think of narcissists as emotional vampires. They drain energy from others because they are insecure and demand to be the center of attention all the time. If the conversation concerns one person’s bad experience, the emotional vampire will interrupt to tell a bigger story about his experience. No matter the topic, the emotional vampire will one-up the tale or change the topic to dominate the conversation.
Forget logic. The narcissist/manipulator will play on emotions, especially blame and guilt. If you bring up facts and logic, such as mentioning the manipulator’s words and actions that created a problem, the manipulator will deny the facts. For example, let’s say the manipulator has a gambling problem and can’t pay her power bill. When you (as a friend or relative) are asked to cover the bill “just this one time” and you suggest the problem is gambling, well, expect the blame to be twisted around to you. “But if you don’t pay my bill, my power will get turned off and the food in my refrigerator will be lost and I won’t be able to use my computer, or watch television, or I’ll die of the cold/heat/whatever.” The manipulator will blame you and try to play on guilt to get you to fix her problem. You can try to explain that a temporary fix won’t solve the ongoing problem, but the manipulator won’t listen.
Sometimes the manipulator will turn to flattery, or threats to make you cooperate. “You’re the only one I can turn to. I’m on the edge here, I’m already dealing with other problems. This will push me over the edge.” To what? Taking drugs, becoming homeless, committing suicide? Whatever the manipulator threatens to suffer, he will dump on you for not rescuing him. Perhaps the manipulator’s parents always rescued him from the consequences of his bad decisions, so he’s never had to take responsibility to change his behavior. Do not take responsibility for the manipulator’s problems.
Manipulators are exhausting. They can be relentless in wearing down others to comply.
Whoever controls your emotions controls you. Stay calm. Responding with silence puts the manipulator in the spotlight in an uncomfortable way. Silence is particularly effective immediately after the manipulator has said something demanding, cruel, or absurd. Let that person’s comment hang in the air. The manipulator might back off or dig himself into a hole with an even more demanding or ridiculous statement. Silence is uncomfortable for fast-talking people who try to dominate others. Use this silence to think about the situation and how to handle it. After all, the rush is not real, it’s a tactic you can end.
How would you treat this demand if it came from a stranger? What thoughtful advice would you give? Suggest going to a financial advisor to learn how to budget. Suggest calling the power company for a delay due to hardship. Do not fix the manipulator’s problem or you will be the go-to person for all future financial problems. If you establish a give, give, give relationship to a person who takes and takes and takes, you will be bled dry and abandoned.
Has this manipulator ever loaned you money or come to your rescue? If so, it may be fair to consider a one-time payback. Do not expect to be repaid. Conditions will never be right for the manipulator to pay you back.
Otherwise, politely decline to take responsibility for the manipulator’s problem. “I’m sorry you’re having this problem. Other than the suggestions I’ve given, I can’t help you.” Continue to repeat that phrase word for word through pleas, tantrums, and flattery. If the manipulator turns to threats, then repeat the threat, “You say you’re going to [tell all my friends/harm yourself] because I won’t pay your electric bill? You need more help than I can give. Goodbye.” Leave.
If the person threatens violence, leave immediately and call a friend or 911. Explain the situation and where you are. Ask them to stay on the line until you are in a safe place.
ALWAYS THE VICTIM
Even when they cause their problems, manipulators never take responsibility. Narcissists will play the victim for sympathy. Every consequence or problem is someone else’s fault. For example, a couple argues. The male manipulator gets frustrated because he’s not getting his way, so he strikes the woman. He will blame her for “making” him lose control. Soon, he will twist logic, so that she caused his violence because she wasn’t listening or didn’t care what he wanted. Ta da! He’s the victim.
If the woman tries to discuss it later, he will accuse her of making it up, remembering it wrong, exaggerating to make him look bad, or that it never happened. This is called gaslighting.
Other ways manipulators deflect or deny their words and actions sound like “Why are you dragging up the past? Everyone else agrees with me. You’re crazy. That’s not what happened. I’m not going to argue with you. Why does it matter now?”
When manipulators get fired, they blame other people. Narcissists never accept responsibility for their actions or failures. Twenty jobs in five years? The bosses were mean or prejudiced, demanded too much, or underpaid him. They convince themselves that others are to blame because they cannot accept rejection or responsibility.
While manipulators dish out guilt and blame to coerce compliance, they are hypersensitive to being blamed or shamed for their behavior. Be aware of their triggers because their reaction to public shame or blame can be vindictive and violent.
ATTENTION SEEKERS
Narcissists can never, ever get enough positive attention. They can be charming and charismatic, but their need for attention and validation is constant and inexhaustible. Like the groom’s mother who wears a white gown at her son’s wedding. Like the person who hogs the conversation at any gathering. Narcissists demand constant validation and complain about being ignored when attention is not paid to them. A narcissist is often likely to have multiple sexual partners because they cannot get enough positive attention from one partner. Like the Rolling Stones’ tune says, they “can’t get no satisfaction” because their need is endless.
Often, narcissists have suffered a childhood trauma or perceive they were rejected by their parents. They seek approval, reward, and attention like oxygen. Any rejection, or slight gets a larger than normal response, such as anger, grudge-holding, sabotage, or public displays of—you guessed it—victimhood. “Did you see how I was treated? And after all I’ve done…”
Do not expect empathy from a narcissist. Let’s say you’re living with one and you get fired from your job. Instead of consoling you, the narcissist will become the victim and whine about how unfair it is to him and how he will suffer so much to carry the financial burden all alone. Before you know it, you will be expected to comfort him. And you will be accused of being insensitive or disloyal if you don’t console him. Sounds insane, but that’s how they operate.
So how do we deal with someone with a toxic level of neediness? If you can’t avoid being around this person, be kind and set boundaries. Make an assertive “I” statement that draws a line. “I feel I need time to think about this.” This statement deflates the pressure and slows down the manipulator who wants you to make an emotional decision. If the manipulator tries to amp up a guilt trip, hold your ground with another boundary-setting statement, such as “I feel uncomfortable about being rushed into a decision. Let’s keep the conversation respectful. I prefer time to think before making a decision/commitment” or “I respect your view, but I see it differently. Since we aren’t going to agree, let’s talk about something else.”
If the manipulator persists, another strategy is to turn the focus on his intentions. “Why do you believe this is my problem?” “What is your goal in this conversation?” “It sounds like you’re trying to make me feel guilty about this.” “What’s really going on here?” A manipulator relies on subtlety, so questioning his intentions forces him to be honest or back off.
Remember you can repeat that you cannot help. You don’t need to justify your reasons or explain. Not wanting to do something is the only reason you need. A manipulator will have a thousand reasons why you should fix the problem, but you don’t have to be “should” upon by anyone. If the manipulator starts name-calling, questions your Christianity or your parentage, it’s time to walk away.
In East of Evil, the heroine discovers that someone she trusts is a dangerous narcissist. To read the first chapter, see https://jonimfisher.com/east-of-evil/.
Joni M. Fisher writes suspenseful crime stories about heroines who don’t wait to be rescued. Books in her contemporary Compass Crimes suspense series have earned awards in the Next Generation Indie Book Awards, Christian Indie Awards, the Readers’ Favorite Book Awards, and the Royal Palm Literary Awards. She served on the Arts and Humanities Advisory Board for Southeastern University and is a member of the American Christian Fiction Writers and the Florida Writers Association.
