What Is Spiritual Abuse?

By Brave Author Jane Daly

The dictionary defines abuse as ‘to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way.’
We’re familiar with physical abuse and to some extent, emotional abuse. But what is
spiritual abuse?

Spiritual abuse is subtle. It often occurs to ones who are the most vulnerable,
women and children. The abuser seeks to exert control over others using Biblical
examples.
“Wives submit to your husbands.”
“Children obey your parents.”

While these Biblical principles are healthy and
create a peaceful home, church leaders can use these verses as weapons to control
behavior.

Example – My husband and I moved to a new city and learned about a church
startup. We began to attend this small gathering of about twenty people. We had
recently returned from the mission field, defeated over the lack of converts during our
three-year tenure. The pastor asked us to come alongside him to build the
congregation. I was tasked with preparing the weekly bulletin. Soon the pastor began to
come to the house while my husband was at work and the kids were in school. To ‘talk
about the bulletin content.’

One Wednesday evening after Bible Study at his and his wife’s home, the pastor
followed me out to my car. Hubby was working that evening, so I was there alone. The
pastor stopped me and asked me if I was committed to our little congregation.
“Of course I am,” I replied.
He took hold of my arm and asked, “I need to know if you’re committed to me.”

I was only twenty-eight or twenty-nine years old, but alarm bells sounded. I
stuttered out an answer that seemed to satisfy him. At least momentarily. Until he
started gaslighting my husband. We left that church shortly after.

This is a small example of spiritual abuse. I have personally experienced other
attempts by church leaders to manipulate me and my behavior.

When I read an expose about a so-called women’s leadership program that was
actually a sex cult, it spurred me to write Where Is My Sister. The program I read about
was run by a narcissistic man, so I changed things up and had my leader a female. She
recruited vulnerable young women into her leadership program and groomed them to be
sold on the dark web. She uses Biblical references to lull her recruits into feeling like
she’s only interested in teaching them to be the ‘best version of themselves.’

“Cult leaders will always get their people to what I call ‘reframe their lives.’ They
reinterpret their lives so they see everything from before the cult as messed up, and
only by staying with the cult leader will they get straightened out.”
https://www.vice.com/en/article/teal-swan-new-age-women-led-cults/

As Christians, it is easy for us to fall prey to spiritually manipulative leaders. We
tend to trust those who are in leadership positions. The Bible says, “Obey those who
rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls . . .” Hebrews 13:17
(NKJV)

When we sit in the congregation, we expect that the one in the pulpit has pure
motives, that they are ‘watching out for our souls.’ Too often, pastors fall prey to the
movie star syndrome. Creston Mapes recently wrote a novel called Celebrity Pastor.
The novel’s premise could have been plucked from today’s headlines.

Marbeth Skwarczynski’s Rose Collection series deals with this subject of spiritual
manipulation both subtle and not-so-subtle.

How can we as Christians, especially Christian women, guard against spiritual
abuse and manipulation?

Be Biblically educated. Know the Word. Bad leaders use God’s Word as a tool to
abuse those who don’t spend time in Bible study and prayer. They twist Scripture just
enough so that it sounds right but is so wrong.

Listen to your heart. The Holy Spirit was given to us by Jesus Christ to speak into
our hearts and minds. If something doesn’t ‘feel right,’ it is probably the Holy Spirit
warning you.

Be in community with mature believers. Young Christians, like I was in the first
example, are easily manipulated. I didn’t accept the Lord until I was twenty-one, so
seven or eight years wasn’t enough for me to know if I was being manipulated. My
mother had left that little congregation a few months before I did, and for some of the
same reasons. Something ‘didn’t feel right’ to her and my grandma.

Finally, don’t be ashamed if you’ve fallen prey to abuse by a Christian leader. It’s
easy to blame ourselves for being taken in by a charismatic personality. How else could
so many pastors amass wealth and influence, except by disguising themselves as
someone who has the answers to all our questions?

If you believe you are being spiritually abused, seek help. Focus on the Family
has some fabulous resources to help anyone suffering from abuse.
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/resources-abuse/

Jane Daly is the author of ten books. Her book, Where Is My Sister is her most
recent novel focusing on spiritual abuse and human trafficking. You can connect with
Jane on her website https://www.JaneSDaly.com.
After a career in banking, Jane and her husband sold everything, bought a motor
home, and spend their time traveling. Her monthly newsletter Rigsby on the Road
chronicles the joys and challenges of being a full-time traveler.